I can’t really criticize you for burying the lede in that issue of the Dish, but I do want to let you know that the announcement of your divorce truly saddens me. As a fairly clueless straight guy growing up, I had never even considered same-sex marriage as … well, anything.
And then in the late ‘90s, I recall watching you describe — so clearly and logically — how it would obviate the need for affirmative action for gay Americans. I thought: wow, that’s totally right! And a same-sex marriage supporter I became.
Obviously, your divorce does nothing to that great insight or to our society’s amazing evolution with this issue, but it makes me sad for you all the same.
A quick note from a gay reader:
Sorry for your divorce. I was in a same-sex marriage for just shy of seven years. That marriage owes much to you and your efforts. Thank you.
My divorce was hard. But now, on the other side of it, life is sweet again, and I’ve remained close friends with my ex and have a stable, lovely boyfriend.
Hugs, and I wish you the best as you navigate the days ahead.
Another note comes from a “loyal Dish reader since around 2002, back when the site was white words on a blue background”:
I message rarely, but read always. I came across your note about you and Aaron, and I’m sorry. I suppose advocating for gay marriage also means, ultimately, advocating for gay divorce.
That said, as a divorced heterosexual male, I know it’s painful and akin to death. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. But I can also say I have benefited from finding love with another and building anew, happy and content. So it is possible, should you wish and desire it at some later date (though it may seem completely foreign now).
For what it’s worth, from someone you’ve never met, my best to you both, and I wish you well in your new personal journey.
From another reader who’s gone through a divorce:
I just wanted to send some love your way upon hearing of your divorce, and after such a long time together. That’s a big change. I too am divorcing after 20 years and honestly have not handled the stress so well. So I hope that you prioritize your health over all else, and find some fun during this time. All the best, and thanks for everything Dish.
I’ve had some darker moments, to be honest. Time has healed much of the wound. This next divorcee is psyched to be single:
I saw your note about your divorce — something you alluded to on Bill Maher’s podcast a few months ago:
I just want to say … Congrats! Breaking up is hard to do, and I know how we all want to be in love sometimes. But I am eight years out of my marriage, and after a couple of unserious relationships, I finally resigned myself a few years ago to being single. I’ve never been happier to be so sexless.
Sure, it gets lonely at times, but I can unfurl my mind, body and soul in a way that I never could when I was devoting them to someone else. My hope is that you, and all other recent divorcees, can discover the same peace too. Good luck.
I’m doing exactly that. From another reader who weathered a divorce:
So sorry to read about the end of your marriage, but I’m heartened that you have such a good attitude about your future (“Life begins again.”) As someone whose life began again at 50 with a divorce from my wife with borderline personality disorder, I can say things are beyond what I could have imagined 10 years ago.
My sons were 10 and 13 at the time and I became a full-time single parent. You can imagine what life was like for them with their birth mom, and they both also inherited the disease of addiction from me. (I’ve been sober 34 years as of today!) Life has been hard for them, to say the least, but both are recently in recovery and doing immeasurably better. I found a woman who blesses me beyond belief, and our marriage is amazingly healthy and fulfilling and loving and supportive. And dare I say (to you, I know that I can) our sex life is a dream.
So Courtney and I wish you all the best as life begins again. To borrow a line: It gets better.
From an old-school advocate for marriage:
Andrew, thank you for sharing the news of your divorce. I worked hard with you and Evan and Mary and Kate and Jon and so many others going back now 35 years to make marriage equality the law of the land. With that, of course, comes divorce equality.
It may sound odd, but I’ve had the privilege in my legal career of helping clients through same-sex divorce and custody issues with the same focus I bring to bear in every case: we have to go through hard things in life, but we don’t have to do it alone, and often the main challenge is to emerge with our decency and integrity intact.
I don’t know for sure, but I trust, that you have had the support of trusted friends through this hard thing. And it is apparent from your sharing that you have emerged, if not whole — we give pieces of ourselves to our spouses that we may never get back, and that’s not a bad thing — then at least with your decency and integrity intact.
Sixty is the new 40, so I hope you find love and passion for your next 20 years.
From yet another divorcee:
Reading your update about your home life saddened me. I remember well how difficult those first few years were after my divorce in 2016. I didn’t expect that the change would feel like the pulling apart of two hearts that had grown into one over those 23 years. For what it’s worth, I slowly learned to use those lonely times as reminders to reach out inwardly to God — because we never really are alone, are we?
I hope you may live as well as you can through the difficulties that you’ve experienced and will experience. Your readers love you.
P.S. I came across this beer the other day and thought of you:
And lastly, this reader:
I just wanted to express my sympathy to you and Aaron for the dissolution of your marriage. Neither my husband nor I were surprised by this news. We remember when you moved to New York and then back to D.C. We remember you writing about being alone during the pandemic.
My husband and I kept our own marriage going through nine years of a long-distance situation — me in Georgia and him in Maryland. We know that stress when following your bliss entails inconvenient geography. I’m so sorry it broke up you and Aaron.
My 2023 has been consumed with cleaning out our mother’s home so my sister can leave a marriage she should have dissolved 24 years ago. She balks. Even when the relationship is bad for everyone, it’s difficult to recognize defeat and walk away.
There’s something ironic with your announcement. Your best writing is typically your most personal. But you have written very little about your marriage. I hope when the time comes, you will be able to share with us the wisdom you have gained.
In the meantime, I’m wishing you compassion as you move through this painful transition. And here’s to a spectacular third act!
I’m deeply touched by all your emails on this. I feel many things — failure, grief, relief — but also remember how great a time we had for many years before forces pulled us apart. I do write about my personal life more than most, but I’ve always tried to protect those I love from the public glare they never chose. The glare definitely hurt our marriage — which comes with the territory if one spouse is in public life and one isn’t. Which is why Aaron’s privacy remains so precious to me; and why my writing about my own family will wait for the most part until the key figures are no longer around.
Much love and gratitude to all of you who wrote in.
